Love Doesn't Hurt!
Do you have to have a blackened eye, broken nose or be slapped and punched from the North, South, East and West to be considered a Domestic Violence Victim? Very much so. But, what about those who don't show any bruises, whose face isn't mangled or who isn't being slapped and punched in all different directions? Are they considered to be Domestic Violence Victims even if they don't show any scars? Most definitely! You too are a victim because Domestic Violence isn't just physical. It's also mental abuse, verbal abuse or any violent behavior from your partner.
The difference between showing scars and not showing scars is where things gets tricky. Your story may not be as believable to law enforcement, judges, family or friends if you're not bleeding, bruised, screaming or crying. You rely on law enforcement to protect you but when you call them out, they take your statement, give you a case number and leave. Then what? They need proof for everything and because not all proof is physical, you'll get discouraged. No arrest is made and you're left alone waiting on the next attack. Now, you're scared because your abuser has been contacted by law enforcement and that just made him angrier. So, what do you do now? Some women have had enough and they'll leave while others find it easier to stay and just take on more.
Get ready to accept the fact that you will be judged. Folks from the outside looking in can say that you have every reason to leave but if you're not ready to love yourself enough to leave, then you won't! Your abuser has manipulated your mind and convince you that nobody cares, he's told you that you can't make it without him financially, he's cursed you, embarrassed you and put you down. Now, you're feeling like you're not good enough for anybody else. Your abuser wins and you continue to be miserable, praying every night that he doesn't kill you.
Well, let me tell you a little about me. I've had a great childhood and a loving family. I was taught by my parents not to ever let a man put his hands of me. I was taught to respect myself and not to put up with disrespect from anyone. Life was good growing up. I made mistakes and learned from them like we all did. I married in my early twenties to my high school sweetheart but it ended because of our differences. He wasn't a violent person at all. I married again and I thought that this was it for me. We both had children of our own but had none together. I made it very clear that I wasn't having another child until I married again. Years passed and our kids grew up together. We had a cute little blended family. But, little did I know, this man was trying to trap me. We later married and I became pregnant with our child. That's when the mask came off! He began to stay out all night, lie, and cheat. There I was, feeling like a fool and like a prisoner in my own home with lots of kids and more responsibilities. He became rude and disrespectful when I questioned his whereabouts or when I demanded that he talked to me with respect, he would say that I was his wife and that he could talk to me any way he wanted. When I threatened to leave, he told me that I was never going anywhere because he owned me. I couldn't believe what was happening. We argued all of the time because I continuously stood up for myself. He told me that I thought that I was better than everybody. He knew that I was strong and had morals and values that I wanted to live by, but that just made him want to tear me down even more.
When I was alone, I would cry because I felt helpless, confused, and embarrassed. This was my second marriage, we had a beautiful family and this was not supposed to be happening to me. I prayed many nights, but this one particular night, I was very specific. I wanted to be free and I wanted out. I cried to God saying that this was not the way marriage is supposed to be and I apologize for putting another man before Him. Two weeks later, my husband became very irate. He started pushing me, shoving me and getting in my face. He pushed me so hard into a window in the dining room and glass shattered everywhere. I defended myself and rushed to the phone, he threatened that if I called the cops that I'd better not tell them what he did. I called the cops and told them everything. He was arrested and I left. Leaving wasn't easy because I was separating the kids who had grown up together, but I chose to be free. I didn't care if I was living a "box" because I was at peace. Well, at least I thought I was. After the separation, more police reports were filed due to his behavior, trespassing and stalking. My life was threatened and he still tried to have control over my life while I was no longer with him. I used to think to myself, who did this man think he was? I reminded myself that he was not God. He has no control over my life unless I give it to him. I stood toe to toe with him. There was no more running, I wasn't going to anymore shelters because I have had enough. I was going through all of this while working a very demanding job, working different positions for church, and trying to set good examples for my kids. I honestly don't know how I was able to manage while going through all of that. Do you get it now? He didn't want to see me happy and tried to steal every ounce of peace that I had gained while being without him.
Because I was separated and not divorced, I heard lots of reasons from law enforcement about what action couldn't be applied because we were still legally married. I worked and saved until I could pay for my own divorce and it was final. Well, even after the divorce, I've still been experiencing stalking and trespassing. This is unacceptable and I will not stop pursuing my case and fighting for my rights until justice is served.
My ex-husband was very known in the community and everyone thought he was the nicest guy and he was. Just not to me. Because I was never punched and didn't have black eyes, I wasn't treated as a top priority. I was even told by a counselor that I was very strong. She really wanted to ask why was I seeking help, but she couldn't. Regardless of what anyone feels, go and get the help you need because what folks fail to realize is the stronger you are, the harder your abuser tries to break you. No matter how small you think your issue is or how strong you think you are, talk to someone and get help because their behavior will escalate.
I was a strong young woman, but I wasn't always this strong. Shortly after separating, I went through a long period of celibacy and it was then that I started to gain control over my life again. A manipulator will try to pull out all kind of tricks to get you to react to him. What I've learned is that you MUST cut off all contact whatsoever. This means no calls, no texts, no replies, not meeting to get or drop off kids. Nothing! Utilize your sources and stay away. I've been doing it for years and we have a kid together. Our child spends time with both of us, just not together. Do what you have to do and stop making excuses!
I chose happiness over everything! If you have to start over from scratch, do that. Live with someone until you can get on your feet again, apply for any job even if you feel that you're too educated for it. Push your pride to the side while making this transition. Seek God for help and start building upwards.
This isn't even half of what I've been through, but it's enough for now. I am a living testimony and if I can say NO to Domestic Violence and reclaim my happy life, so can you. I use to ask God, "Why me?" His answer is so clear to me now. He chose me to help YOU so YOU can help SOMEONE else. Keep it going Sis and remember that Love Doesn't Hurt!
Proudly Submitted,
Latoya Dennison
Central Conference, 3rd Vice President
7th Episcopal District
